Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Next time you want to call somebody a nut case do a little more research

December 31, 2013 Leave a comment

You have maligned my Uncle Tom Vallee.  The tripe you spout is unsubstantiated rumore and BS. 

Categories: Uncategorized

I mostly love my Realtor, Chapter 1…..

December 3, 2010 Leave a comment

Our’s is an interesting relationship, there is a lot of brotherly issues here.  First, I was introduced to my Realtor, we’ll call him Steve Fallwest to protect the innocent, by a fraternity Brother known fondly as “The Sneech”.

Over that past 3 months, Steve , his niece; we’ll call her Crash”, and the rest of Team Fallwest have been working with me and mine to find us a new home.  We’ve poured over hundreds of properties, and spent days visiting, looking, tendering offers, amending offers, and more.

Two weeks before Thanksgiving we finally found a suitable home, at a price I could afford (this is my third mortgage,) in a nice town, Castle Rock, Colorado. 

Another Brother fact, the listing agent is Steve’s Brother, Ken Fallwest….

Now get this, the house was built in 2003 and was the model home for the development, and NO ONE HAS EVER LIVED IN IT!  Basically its a brand spanking new house.  So what happens, well the inspection reveals some significant issues with the heating system, and some  minor but import issues with the roof and fireplace.   So I can’t get it appraised or lock in a committal until Freddie Mac commits to the repairs.

So here we are, in Asset Manager Limbo.  It’s not my Realtor I don’t like, he’s charming, funny, drives a nice car, is generous (apparently he just got an award for being generally nice or something, I need to check with Crash for the specifics,) and my daughter calls him Uncle Steve.

Anyway I thought I might mention him.  More on the saga later.

Next Chapter.  “Why is my Mortgage Broker’s nickname “Woody” instead of “Geo”?”

Categories: Uncategorized

The Legend of Qwe Chuāking, Nèijiù Shuòshì

Have you heard the legend of the young Moanin Monk, Qwuit Chuākāng ?  Many westerners have not, but recently millions of digitized scrolls were uncovered in China that are bringing his story to light.  We endeavor here to share with you, The Legend of Qwe Chuāking, Nèijiù Shuòshì *.
Born to Jewish Missionarys  in 1898, Absolm Chaim was orphaned  in 1900 when his parents were killed at a Chinese Take Away during the Boxer Rebellion.  A Blind Moanin Monk, Master Po Thien, a noodle consultant to the original Panda Express, rescued  young Absolam and returned with him to the Moanastary in Shanghai soon after.
Master Po Thien renamed Absolam Qwe Chuāking, in honor of the Swallows that frequented the Moanastary’s outdoor Food Court and Massage Chair emporium.   Although entirely unfamiliar with the Hebrew concept of Teshuva or repentance, it wasn’t long before Master Po Thien recognized Qwe’s natural and innate ability to easily engender quilt in others.  Along with Moanin Master Kan Plain, Master Po Thien started Qwe on a path that would culminate in greatest guilt trip  known to man, The Green Movement.
Their relationship was the stuff of Moanin Legend as evidenced from a Moanastary scree written in 1910.
Master Po Thien: Close your eyes. What do you hear?
Young Tom: I hear the sigh of the water, I hear the harping of the crows.
Po: Do you hear your own guilty conscience?
Caine: No, Master.
Po:  Dung Beetle, do you see the lamp and the matches ?
Caine: Yes Master, do you wish me to light it?
Po:  No, I will just sit in the dark.
More than 1,234,567.12 Moanin records were recently handed over to WikiLeeks.  These were extensively reviewed and indexed using Giggle Content Search technologies, well at least 3 have.   Our staff has been pouring over  these records, using mostly beer to do so,  and we’ve translated the text from the native Hakka Pu dialect indigenous to Shanghai to English.  What follows are a few of the translated Moanin proverbs.

“All can know guilt as guilt only because there is innocence.” Master Po Thien
“Be nothing, and you will have everything to gain from others.” –  Master Po Thien
Sigh rather than moan. Whine rather than Cry.  Look aside rather than glare,  for guilt is precious and cannot be replaced.”Master Kan Plain
“To utter a guilty truth is to give it force beyond endurance.”Master Kan Plain **
“Yet it is sighs which blind the man.”Master Po Thien
“When a man can’t see squat, he does no thing.”Master Po Thien

Needless to say, the translation of these ancient tombs is a labor of love.  We hope to publish more shortly, at least before we sober up.  We’ve learned that after Master Po Thien was murdered by jealous scion of the Chinese Court, Khan Tem Peht, Qwe abandoned the Moanastary on a quest to achieve remorseless enlightenment and to seek out his mishpokhe vortsl ***.   The records seem to end when in 1929  Qwe finally locates his long-lost brother Chuck  in the West Hollywood Convent of Guilty Pleasures where he had been imprisoned  by the infamous Sisters of Nunjitsu and  the Penitents of Contrition.

Remember too, it hurts when we do this, but we do it so you don’t have to.

* Nèijiù Shuòshì translates as “Guilt Master” in English or האשמה הורים in Hebrew.
** Some have suggested that early translations of these proverbs appear to have been given over to Rush Limbuagh, Chris Mattews and Anne Coulter.
*** Loosely translated from Yiddish to Family Roots…

Categories: Humor, Parody, Rants, Society, Technology